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| holy crap on a stick look at that house made of out of cardboard appliance boxes |
Now when I read this I wasn't really planning to write anything about it. To be honest I had been hesitant to even start it, I was really unenthused. Maybe it had something to do with the cover art...? The weird lego style house didn't really look too dazzling, and even the bird in the corner is staring at the title like "What the hell is this, it's so lame." But then I was stuck at home for an hour with nothing to do and I kind of shrugged my shoulders and grabbed it and plopped on the bed to read it. Now, I'll forewarn you - that was a good three weeks ago. I can't remember entire specifics, but I'm going to do my best to give a rundown of the whole book. Cool.
So basically there is this chick named Shani who looks like Natalie Wood except with stunning dark blue eyes and fair skin. She's just really beautiful. Did I mention how pretty she is? Oh, but don't worry, she doesn't have life too easy - she's really skinny and this is a major turn off for the guys. I don't know what kind of message that is supposed to send at all. So Shani has just graduated high school and has this great huge bunch of best friends like on That '70's Show except probably not as cool. All the friends decide to invite the entire class of their high school down to this giant beach mansion in Mexico for a huge par-tay forgetting that the whole point of graduating high school is that you never have to spend anymore time with your fellow students ever again. Shani is driving with her best friend, Kerry, who is pretty fat and high-strung and annoying and then Angie, her other close friend who is blonde and tan and perfectly adequate. Kerry is pissed because the beach house they are going to is owned by Lena who is the anti-Kerry basically. Kerry wants to rip out all her internal organs and feed them to stray cats because Lena "stole" Kerry's boyfriend, Sol, away. Sol is spanish and his name means "Sun" but he isn't a guidance counselor, he's a badass gangster type with a troubled past who sounds like a lot of high maintenance. Lena is also stunning and just pretty much the girl to be which makes chubby Kerry jealous and swear she's going to start a diet and become a beautiful butterfly tomorrow while she stuffs cake into her mouth. (Ok, that part I inferred.) Kerry decides to suck it up so she can see Sol and try to win him back, even though she pretends she's going because she's happy to see Robin. Robin is Lena's adopted sister who lives at the beach mansion and has a failing kidney or liver or something due to an accident last year. The kind of accident where you drink incestiscde in your beer. Oops.
Then there are some more males besides Sol and they are all up the road ahead of the girls. There is Park who is this total preppy guy who is Shani's brother-type friend and Angie's boyfriend. He's Harvard bound and best friends with Sol, probably because Sol knows he's going to end up needing a lawyer later in on life and he'll just manipulate his old school buddy into free legal counsel. Park used to be Robin's boyfriend but when she got sick he was turned off by the yellow color of her skin and the fact that she was basically falling apart so he split. Which was a douchey move. Then there is Bert who is this huge Paul Bunyan guy who runs around acting like a big laughing idiot. I don't know why he's friends with them unless maybe he has connections if you know what I mean. Finally there is Flynn who is this sexy-ass British exchange student that Shani is in love with. The guys have some van trouble and while trying to fix it, this old Indian shaman comes out of nowhere. Everyone thinks he's going to rob them and sell their organs on the black market but instead he just talks in spanish about a bunch of types of birds. Sol tries to bond but quickly gets angered and confused and shouts "EXPLAIN YOURSELF I DON'T UNDERSTAND" like a total bad ass. And the Indian says he knows Robin as the sick girl and then he kind of crawls back under some rock. Then a snake shows up like "Yo guys, welcome to Mexico" but Flynn shoots it dead in a millisecond. Everyone is kind of alarmed because they didn't know Flynn could shoot like that since he was British and they are racist against Brits. The girls show up and act flirty and Shani tries to get Flynn's attention but he acts like a typical bonehead dude and ignores her.
I forget what happens but suddenly Shani is driving Flynn to the mansion and it's really bumpy and Shani is wondering why she couldn't have been sitting on Flynn's lap. She asks all these questions and Flynn tells her he read her yearbook quote which in British slang of course means I want to bang you. Shani picks up on this and is very excited. They arrive at the beach mansion where Lena is outside doing chores in a bikini or something like a weirdo and everyone gets out. Sol and Kerry took some other car and haven't arrived yet and miss the show when Robin's nurse comes out and bitches at Lena about looking like a slut and tells her to make sure and do everything right on Robin's medical machines or else she will die. The the nurse sees Flynn and falls in love and asks him some questions like Shani did. But he gives weird answers to the nurse, and the nurse is worried. She considers staying but instead kind of just goes, "Fuck it, I'm leaving" and goes anyway. They go inside and see Robin who looks like Christian Bale in The Machinist. Shani hugs her and thinks about how terrible she looks. Uh, Shani, her organs are failing, remember? Park feels like a guilty bastard since he ditched Robin and is now dating someone else so he kind of avoids her for a while even though she claims she isn't jealous. Kerry shows up and has some pointless fight with Lena where Lena says something that is supposed to be "super bitchy" but when read aloud sounds terribly stupid.
People go surfing and make dinner and everyone eats until they are going to puke and then decide to play some game where you stick the name of someone on your forehead and ask questions about who you are. Shani tries to be flattering and picks "Luke Skywalker" for Flynn even though she should've known he's British and doesn't believe in Star Wars, only Dr. Who. Everyone seems to be having so much fun but Shani can't relax since Flynn seems to be spending so much time with Robin and getting Robin apple juice and picking Robin to be "Princess Leia" and all these things and feels jealous of her friend with a rotting liver. Then Robin brings up this Indian guy she's friends with and then totally tries to drop the subject and act like she doesn't want to talk about it. Which is rude. So then Sol realizes it was probably the same guy they talked to earlier. Robin is really good friends with this guy and she tells everyone this story he told her about a snake and a raven and a dove and everyone listens because when someone with kidney failure is speaking, you pay attention. She doesn't tell them the ending and says she has to decide how to end the story. Everyone gets agitated and decides to go have orgasms to release tension. While having some wet dream about Flynn, Shani wakes up to the phone ringing and picks it up even though it's late at night and not her house. She hears Lena talking to the nurse about Flynn and how he can't be trusted. Shani sneaks into his his room and sees his gun and his passport and that his name is actually Michael. So, we all know shit is about to get real.
The next day Shani decides Flynn or Micheal or whatever is too gorgeous to be a real threat. She decides she'll help Angie build this huge bonfire so she can roast some wieners. Yum. So she does this and then she starts thinking about Robin. The whole gang except for Flynn was there the night Robin was poisoned via a glass of tainted beer and the case went unsolved. The police labeled it as an accident. You know, everyone does that, accidentally grabbing the can of "INSECT DEATH" instead of the cream for your coffee in the morning. Shani really wants to know who did it and decides to go see Robin. Except the house is huge as balls and she ends up in some basement which is actually a secret recording studio. She sees this tape player and being nosy she decides to listen to what is on it. Robin's voice breaks out singing "Blackbird" by the Beatles and Shani is blown away. Then Lena pops up and decides to be completely inhospitable and yells at her for being down there and tells her to scram. At the same time Robin is upstairs with Park and this giant bird who she is talking to. Park feels pretty bad about the whole ditching her on her deathbed thing so he apologizes and says they can still be friends and Robin goes, "We should just kill Angie! HAHAHA..ha.....ha....heh." Not jealous, right.
Out of nowhere there is this giant explosion. A fiery blaze envelops the entire carport and leaves this huge crater. Everyone runs towards the explosion to see what it was. Shani's pissed because she thinks it was probably Angie's dumb wiener roast. Everyone convenes and comes to find Sol's van has exploded while Burt was inside of it. Burt's basically a goner. Flynn decides to take charge and ask everyone where the hell they were when the explosion went off. Angie tells them a giant black bird was bugging the shit out of her and she ran away with a giant log to try and kill it. Everyone else was picking their noses or something, but basically Sol had a bunch of fireworks in the back of his car that he wanted to smuggle over the border to sell to the huge teen population. Apparently there isn't one kid in Southern California who hasn't set off fireworks randomly around their town. Uh, ok. The blast destroys all the phone lines and no one can call for help for Burt. No one really seems to care but Shani and she just kind of walks around saying maybe he wasn't in the car after all. Flynn tells her she's being ridiculous and that rubs Shani the wrong way and she decides he is dangerous after all. She leaves the mansion to go on a hike and clear her thoughts.
Two hours and a half mile later she is staring down on the mansion from the giant mountain-like hill in back of the house. Shani tries to put all the facts together, tries to crack the cases of Burned Burt and Ruptured-Kidney Robin. The sun is going down, and she knows Park will begin worrying since she told him she'd be back by about now. However she decides to be a bitch and not walk back. Suddenly she gets this feeling the old Indian guy Robin's crazy about is just over the next hill and she should walk over and see him. Maybe it's not a feeling but the smell of his B.O. That's my theory. She climbs over there and the guy puts her in a trance and she dreams she is flying outside of Robin's window and watching Park and herself do something. Then she wakes up and apologizes for falling asleep which is like apologizing for bleeding after being poked with a needle. She wanders off in some direction but she is kind of confused and ends up falling down a hill and facing a rattlesnake. Suddenly a tinge of a British accent flies through the air and Flynn is there to rescue her like a Indiana Jones who isn't afraid of snakes. He gets her back on solid ground and she decides to run away, unsure if she's running from him or what, exactly. Maybe she just realized she hadn't exercised that day and was fitting a jog in. Flynn is annoyed because he just saved the girl's life and expected some action, a handjob at the very least. He chases her down and Shani cracks, telling him she knows all about him - his real name and that he has a gun - and she'll stop him. Then they have a juicy makeout session. Flynn walks ahead of her and Shani tries to follow but keeps puking on the side of the road.
They get home and I think Shani and Park have some conversation in Robin's room. Who knows, it wasn't important. Then everyone's eating dinner. No one is really talking but it's tense, tense, the tension was so tense. People start getting really accusational over little things, like the fact that no one else from their school has shown up yet and that Lena is pulling some dirty trick. Lena, ever the innocent angel, tells everyone to fuck off. Angie gets up and tries to go to bed but passes out in the hall, too many margaritas. Or was it....? Soon everyone starts passing out. Shani knows it was Flynn and she looks at him to let him know she knows and see if he knows she knows or who knows what he knows. But Flynn looks weird and he mumbles "I think we've been drugged" before plopping down into his mashed potatoes. Shani is excited to finally be sedated and falls asleep.
Everyone wakes up in this dark little room chained to the walls. It is all black except for a candle in a red party cup in the center of the room. There is also a tupperware container filled with rattlesnakes. It's pretty intense. Shani realizes they all are in the recording studio basement she was in earleir. Suddenly a voice who could only be God fills the room and says, "We must have the truth about that night." Everyone starts panicking and talking about the party when Robin was poisoned. Now I really sort of stopped paying attention at this point, but basically Burt shows up and thinks they are playing a game. He breaks down the locked door and throws it on the snakes which turns off the light and lets the snakes free. But Flynn somehow shoots everyone out of their handcuffs and they all run out of the room, even though Lena was bitten like five times. Not that anyone really cares.
Then Flynn locks everyone up in another room and decides to be Hannibal Lector and play these mind games on everyone but no one listens so he just grabs his shotgun and starts shooting shit. He tells everyone he has poisoned them all, but he has the anecdote. However unless someone confesses to what they did to Robin they will all die. Park has diarrhea and keeps trying to use the bathroom but Flynn won't let him. What a jerk, even Baby in The Devil's Rejects let that lady use the toilet. So everyone cries, there is lot of the "You did this!" "But you did that.." "But she was there and did something else!" but it was all Kerry's fault because she was trying to poison Lena. They were all at this party and Park was drunk and Angie was trying to get in his pants and Sol told Lena to shut up which I guess made Kerry feel like prom queen. It was all an accident. Flynn asks Robin if she wants Kerry to die but Robin decides to sing her blackbird song again and everyone cries.
Turns out Flynn is Robin's twin brother back from before when she was adopted and he came back to see if he could give her a kidney. Which he gives her. And Shani tries to be cool and cute and snag Flynn but she's kind of just awkward and tells Flynn, "You know, I sleep with a snake," which sounds like some sex toy. Basically everything is ok in the end. Park leaves Angie and goes back to Robin and her shiny new liver and decides to not go to Harvard and the whole gang is still together going to UCSB.
Yeah.
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